To say that I have a controlling mother is an understatement. She makes helicopter and tiger mums look like Mary Poppins. It wasn’t just that I grew up in a household of rules and perfectionism but that I would be locked away every day to do extra school work until it was time for bed. Even boarding school was more free with options for choice and time off work. Playtime simply wasn’t a word that existed in our house and school holidays were a time for literature and working on the lessons from the years above. It’s therefore little surprise that today I have a deep-rooted, almost irrational, fear of being controlled. Then again, we all crave being in control. In fact, can control be a good thing I wonder? Psychology even talks about our locus of control as a means for happiness. So, how can we cultivate the right control?
Fear of Engulfment
Do you find yourself resisting your partner’s controlling tendencies? Although, are they really controlling or simply loving? Sometimes we get caught up in our views that might have been distorted by childhood events and our defensiveness blinds us. I know I’ve pushed away many people as soon as they became too close to me. Both friends and partners in the past have had to give up and move on because of my fear of being locked away, supervised and ordered what to think all over again.
There are many events that can lead to control issues and many of us have some of this resistance up to a point. After all, no one wants to be someone’s slave or plaything. The worst part of these issues though is that they end up controlling our actions. Do any of us really want to push others away and alienate ourselves? So, how can you avoid being engulfed and find the right balance of control with structure and safety?
Locus of Control
Do you believe that your efforts and abilities impact your life and circumstances? On the contrary, do you tend to think that you’re unlucky? Essentially, if you have a strong internal locus of control then you tend to believe that you can turn around any situation, learn from your failures and move on. Of course, things aren’t quite that black and white but it seems that we tend to be happier if we feel in control of events thanks to our abilities and mindset.
Losing Control
Interestingly, mindfulness teaches us to let go. Or … is it to let go of things that we can’t control? Ah, another wonderful paradox of life. Perhaps it’s really all about the balance between control and acceptance?
Naturally, we want to be in control of our daily routine but can it also be relaxing to let someone take the lead every now and again. What about those moments when you ‘lose yourself’ and dance in the rain, for example? If you’ve never done that before, I highly recommend it. There’s something liberating, almost animal, about dancing as if without a care in the world surrounded by the elements of nature. Being out of control can be truly invigorating.
Balancing Control with Surrender
1- Observe and Recognise
A fear of being controlled can lead to that fear controlling you. So, try to observe those situations when you feel the fear rising up. I feel it in my chest and as if a huge weight is growing on my shoulders as the world gets darker around me. It’s like those days when the clouds start closing in just before a thunder storm and the air starts getting thick and heavy.
If you’re not sure where to start, simply write down those moments when you became angry at something. Anger tells us a lot about what’s going in internally and with time, you’ll start understanding the causes behind the fear that leads you to anger. Most of us forget that anger is often a secondary emotion that’s only there to warn us that our primary one is being ignored.
2- Talk to your Fear
This exercise is often used for people working through trauma, however big or small it might seem to others. It might feel strange at first but some people can visualise their fear either as an animal or even as an image of themselves. For others, it’s a voice inside their head that can answer their questions. Ask your fear what it’s protecting you from. Then, try to reassure your fear and negotiate a way to move forwards so that it doesn’t overwhelm you. The warning is helpful but let’s find a way to tone it down a bit.
Don’t forget that this won’t be easy so sometimes it’s helpful to have a break and go through everything that you’re grateful for at this moment in time. Remembering some positives can be useful for lifting some of the dark clouds of fear.
3- Find your Out of Control
Then sometimes, we just need to go wild. What does that mean for you? If this is a completely new experience then you might have to start with baby steps. For example, going wild could simply start with just leaving the tea towel out of alignment. That’s a big step for perfectionists. Other ideas often revolve around the arts such as dancing, listening to loud music or painting and drawing. That’s because art helps reduce cortisol levels in our brains and increase happy chemicals like endorphins. The good news is that you don’t have to be any good but you just have to have fun. And we all know that we could do with a few more happy chemicals in our brains every now and again.
What’s your Control Balance?
No one can give us the answers that work for us. We need to find them ourselves. Hopefully these ideas can get you started so that you can find the right level of control that makes you happy. You’ll probably find that this changes over time as your needs change but either way, try to partner with your fear and see just how liberating that can be so that it no longer controls you. Then, you’re finally free to control the things you can control and that matter to you.
