As someone who grew up in the English culture, I seem to have embedded the word ‘sorry’ into my psyche a little too well. Anyone who’s spent time in the UK knows that we say sorry a lot. Much to the confusion of foreigners, we rarely actually mean sorry. We’re often either asking someone to move out of our way or we’re empathising for something out of our control. I mean after all, we are sorry that we can’t do anything about the rain but then again, hey ho, that’s just how things are. Then again, is saying sorry too much damaging to our psyche, especially if you’re a bit of a people pleaser? How can we be both empathetic and assertive at the same time? Perhaps we have to learn to be true to ourselves.
Assertiveness versus Arrogance
Everything in life is a fine line and we can quickly shift between positive and negative behaviours. If you’re anything like me then your anxiety can push you down the arrogance route. We’re only trying to stand up for ourselves but somehow we end up being overly defensive. Then again, the opposite of not standing up for yourself can often lead to being passive aggressive. This doesn’t make anyone content about the communication and experience.
Empathy
Assertiveness often goes wrong when we forget to empathise. It’s very easy to do especially when we’re feeling threatened or we imagine that we’re being undermined. Remember though that this is what the mind does. Its job is to tell you that everything is about you and that the world revolves around you. Therefore, anything that anyone says or does is about you. In reality, that can’t be true because every single mind out there is doing the same thing. So, anything any body ever does is about themselves. The more we can imagine a different viewpoint taken from someone else’s possible experience then the easier it becomes to let go of our defensiveness. We better understand what the other person needs and then it’s easier to be more assertive about our own needs and find a happy middle ground.
Mirror Neurons
Just to confuse you though we are actually social beings and we have these things called mirror neurons. Their role is to help us empathise with other people by allowing us see other people’s emotions. Therefore, when we’re feeling safe and relaxed, we easily empathise with others. On the flip side, when we’re feeling unsure about something, we tend to close in our ourselves and that’s when our empathy and assertiveness usually go out the window.
How can we be more Assertive and true to ourselves?
1- Non-Violent Communication
Many of us are afraid to speak up about our needs because we were taught as children that we should ignore our needs. Perhaps our parents were overly controlling or ignored us as children. Whatever it is, we became disconnected from our needs. The first step is therefore to understand our needs which can often be done by journaling. A quick tip is to notice whenever you feel irritated and frustrated by a situation. The chances are that one of your needs was ignored and not met.
I then love the Non-Violent Communication framework. Rather than become defensive or passive aggressive, simply state the facts about the situation, explain how this is making you feel, what needs are missing for you and therefore what you’re asking for instead. For example: “I am worried I won’t make it to bed on time ready for my early morning meeting and I would really appreciate some support to give me some relief from my anxiety. Would you help by sorting out dinner tonight?”
2- Consider other people’s viewpoints before your own
Empathy takes practice but we all have it in us, courtesy of our mirror neurons. Remember that everyone is worried about their world and that whatever happens is rarely about you. How you can you reframe a situation as if you were the other person? What do they see that maybe you don’t see? It’s all about being curious about how the other person’s life experiences has shaped their viewpoint.
3- Practice saying no with compassion
If you’re like me and you were taught to please people then saying no can be one of the toughest things to learn. I used to believe that I would be offending people or upsetting them. Whilst that might be true in some cases, not being true to ourselves is worse in the long-run. Doing things against our inner beliefs usually makes us irritable and even arrogant. No one wants to be around those traits.
A good trick I like to use is to stall decisions so for example, I’ll check my diary and / or commitments before getting back to someone. Then again, being honest usually works so try explaining that you’re concerned about something. It’s perfectly ok and actually, people are more likely to empathise and forgive if you share your vulnerabilities with them.
Where are you going to start?
Being assertive takes practice and it also means learning who we are and what we need and not being ashamed of that. Start with small steps though. Simply learning to say no politely is a great way to begin changing your language and approach and becoming more assertive. If you’re still unsure though, here are two questionnaires that can help you imagine what assertiveness looks like. I remember the days when I didn’t really know what it looked like because being a people pleaser was such as deep engrained habit. Now, I’m happy to say that even though I say still say sorry too much, I rarely do something I don’t want to do. It’s been a journey but I feel much more at peace and you can too.
