How many hours of your life have you wasted conjuring up scenarios of different possibilities in the future? What about the hours spent wishing things were different? Life is hard enough as it is without adding hours of endless loops of thoughts that only increase our suffering. The art is to accept life for what it is and move on to what you can control. 

Control versus Acceptance 

Freud’s theories have been disputed by many but his ego theory is still very valid. Today, neuroscientists have even highlighted the ego centre as the parieto-frontal circuit according to this paper. Essentially, something is in control of your endless stream of thoughts and your actions. Unfortunately, in many cases the ego works too well. 

Do you remember the last time someone told you that you couldn’t do something? Perhaps you got fired and blamed your boss? Can you remember that ball of emotion within you as you felt a great injustice had been done to you? That’s the ego talking. The ego is very good at defending your self-image and at making you think you are the best or the best at being the worst at anything. 

Whilst we need the ego to function and develop a healthy sense of self, it can also damage us because we think we are more in control of life than we actually are. In fact, we control nothing but we do control our actions and behaviours. As a species, we’ve even created time to give us a sense of control of how the universe is constantly changing. This illusion of control is one of the hardest things to let go before you can accept life as it is.

The Illusion of Control 

The term “illusion of control” was coined by Ellen Langer in the 1970s when she studied groups of people at UCLA to determine their response to control. Essentially, we’re more likely to put up with something unpleasant if we know that we can make it stop at any point. 

The Buddhists often refer to our illusion of control and how we cling onto things to avoid change. All that clinging and wishing for other things makes us miserable but it also means we’re not living life. We’re not noticing the here and now so we miss the beauty and the awe around us whilst being stuck in our loops of endless internal chatter.

I’ve often heard in Buddhist circles that we’re so addicted to our thoughts and stories about ourselves that we’re disconnected from our bodies. Only by reconnecting through our senses can we become present but also more in tune with what we need. As you practice this, you start realising that emotions are just as transient as thoughts and clouds in the sky. Truly nothing is permanent and if it isn’t permanent, why get caught up in it? Instead, watch the emotion pass on by in mere seconds. 

How to Accept Life?  

Logically, you might be able to accept that you interpret situations differently from someone else. Emotionally, it’s hard to accept that everything around you is an illusion created by your mind. It takes practising some of these tips before you can know this truth for yourself. 

1- Try out the thinking hats lenses 

We spend our lives creating habits so that we can live each day more efficiently. It’s the same with our thoughts whether we do it consciously or unconsciously. This means you’ll have a certain way of thinking about life and its situations.

Next time you come across a difficult moment, see if you can use the 6 thinking hats to view the same situation differently either through the lens of feelings, facts, benefits, creative thinking, downsides or process. You’ll be amazed at how this generates different emotions and possible solutions. You’re essentially ‘unsticking’ your mind.  

2- Call out the ego 

When you feel yourself going into a spiral of negative thoughts about life, remind yourself that this is the ego clinging onto something. That’s what the ego does but name it and it loses some of its power. You can also imagine it as a cartoon character telling you that you can control things you can’t. This adds a bit of humour and lightness when the ego is trying to be all serious whilst dragging you down into the hole of illusion. 

3- Be present 

There’s nothing more powerful than mindfulness and meditation to keep you present. Although, you can also use your senses to feel your body sensations and your emotions. After my previous blog on managing emotions, we know that this isn’t easy but the more you connect to your emotions, the more present you are and the more you accept things as they are. 

Know the Illusion and Accept Life 

None of this is easy and many people go through life fighting the illusion and trying to force it into their way of thinking. This only creates stress, depression and countless other health and mental issues. Whilst it might seem hard at first to notice the ego, observe your thoughts and practice mindfulness to help you see the transience of the illusion of life. In the long run, our human existence becomes more pleasant and more manageable as you only focus on what you can control.

“We should always be asking ourselves: ‘Is this something that is, or is not, in my control?'”  As quoted by Epictetus from Enchiridion