I watched with curiosity as the dog I’d just been cuddling turned into a demon of hell when another member of the team approached him. Why am I the only one who can approach this dog? Why will he only take food from me? Trust is a funny thing. What is trust and why do we need it? What is learning to trust? Where does it come from? Perhaps in this case it’s because I met him when his owner dropped him off at the shelter. Perhaps it’s just because I approach him more quietly and, in his eyes, less aggressively. But what about people – why do some trust easily and others less so? Does that make us more or less street-savvy? Or simply lonely. 

Wired to trust… and yet…

I’ve spent my whole life unable to trust people even though we are naturally wired to trust. It makes romantic relationships a little tough, to say the least… most people get tired of being with someone who can never quite open up. I also had so much anger when I was younger. But trust needs vulnerability which isn’t easy to give. Most cultures talk about ‘being tough’ but being vulnerable is actually a brave thing to be. We accept that we might get hurt. We take measured risks knowing that we are resilient enough to recover when it goes wrong. 

I love that learning to trust is something we get at a very early age, before we’re even 2, according to psychologist Erik Erikson. However, more recent studies claim that social learning is more influenced by contemporary experiences. The fact remains that I’ve lived with trust issues my whole life – perhaps I experienced both models! 

It can be fun!

My world was shattered in a million pieces when I was about 2. I learnt that my so-called parents were actually my grand-parents. It wasn’t my parents’ fault as they were working to keep food on the table but the shock stayed with me. My little brain told me that if I can’t trust the only people in the world I’m supposed to trust blindly, then the world cannot be trusted. And what a burden that has been. Although, it’s also been fun. After all, that ‘single, strong, independent, do-what-I-want, party-how-I-want, I-answer-to-no-one’ female role is pretty damn awesome fun to play.

Learning to Trust

Mine has been a journey of learning to trust and what that means. First, trust is actually the basis of all relationships. If we’re honest with ourselves, we all need deep and meaningful relationships. And I don’t just mean trusting someone to look after your children or pets or to return money lent to them. I also mean the trust that allows you to be completely yourself, demons and all.

Secondly, we all have things we’re not proud of. I am lucky that after 20 years, I do have those friends that I can count on and trust completely. Yes, they are still by my side after all the ups and downs, the ugliness and the messiness. 

So how do we learn to trust as adults … 

1- What’s the worst that could happen?

I find it can be helpful to play scenarios in my head. Although, I have to also be careful not to go overboard and become overwhelmed by what could go wrong. Another sobering thought is “will any of this matter when I’m on my deathbed”? 

2- Sharing

I used to look up to my friends thinking they had everything sorted so how could I trust them to see all my ‘crap’ and not run away? I still think they are an amazing bunch of people but they’re far from perfect. The annoying paradox is that I only started seeing that when I started opening up. The more I shared, the more they shared. And then, the more I realised that we we’re all as messed as each other.

3- Stop playing a game…

I always wanted to fit in and when I realised that that wasn’t even working anymore, I gave up trying to be someone else. To finally be free and to be myself was a huge relief. Of course it took a long time to stop caring about what people thought. However, like everything, it became easier with time and practice. 

4- Shadow Work

Otherwise known as ‘meeting our demons’ – when I hit rock bottom during my divorce, the desire to change something in my life was so strong. I desperately wanted to started my journey of personal growth. I became curious about what my weaknesses and mistakes and essentially, my vulnerabilities. It was humbling, terrifying, even soul destroying at times, but overall, the best thing that happened to me. I’m still learning about my shadow, or demons, but my favourite test is to watch people that irritate me. They are the best teachers as they are essentially showing me my faults – it’s a brilliant mirror.

5- Trusting myself

I can get over it, I have built up my resilience. We all have good and bad in us, it’s just how it works … it’s ok and sometimes you just need to have a go, dive in, so to speak, and see what happens. And every now and again, things aren’t as bad as we feared 😉